On the Deck of a Sinking Ship

titanic

Yesterday (5/15), one of my co-workers was let go. When I asked if more people would be let go I was told that there would be an “evaluation period” for the next two weeks. Basically, if the firm I work for does not pick up any additional work in the next two weeks, more employees will walk out the door for the last time.

I have never worked on a sinking ship. I have never had to worry about my job not being there tomorrow. Circumstances have changed.

Mentally, I have already abandoned the Titanic via the nearest lifeboat. I am actively searching out different positions at other companies. Not sure where I am going to land though.

Already I have seen God working in my situation. I know the following verses to be true:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. – Matthew 6: 25-34 (NIV)

However, I am learning that it is one thing to believe something to be true (in my mind) and something completely different to truly believe it (in my heart).

The End of the Track?

Monday I was called into an all office meeting. My co-workers and I were told that the firm we work for cannot sustain our current staff numbers due to a major project falling through. All of the firm’s eggs, so to speak, had been put into one project basket that had sealed our fate. We were then told that we would either be spoken with privately or as a group, sometime during the week. Untold numbers could be leaving soon.

Today is Thursday. The office is tense. No one knows if they are going to be the single person or one of the multiple people let go. At this point, no one has been talked to yet.

Knowing that the ax could fall at any moment leads to a stressful office environment. Even though I have complete peace as far as leaving this job, I just want to know if I am going to be leaving. Hoping to hear something soon. This week has been such a roller coaster.

You Will Be Tested

“Like a ship at sea, you will be tested, and the storms will reveal the weak places in you as a man. They already have. How else do you account for the anger you feel, the fear, the vulnerability to certain temptations? Why can’t you marry the girl? Having married, why can’t you handle her emotions? Why haven’t you found your life’s mission? Why do financial crises send you into a rage or depression? You know what I speak of. And so our basic approach to life comes down to this: we stay in what we can handle, and steer clear of everything else. We engage where we feel we can or we must–as at work–and we hold back where we feel sure to fail, as in the deep waters of relating to our wife or our children, and in our spirituality.” – Fathered By God, John Eldredge, pp 6 and 7

In the Valley

I am convinced that God deals with us in the valleys of life, in times where we need the most faith to move forward. Sure there are moments where we can clearly tell where God is leading us, those so-called “mountain top” moments. I would argue though that those moments of clarity are few and far between. In the darkness, we need the light. In the darkness we must rely/embrace God, trusting that He will see us through, that He has an ultimate plan.

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Started reading Mike Erre’s Astonished the other day. Below is a quote I wanted to share:

God takes us to places where we can’t figure it out or depend on our resources or intelligence. He wants us to trust Him, nor our formulas, spiritual disciplines, or knowledge of the Bible. He draws us onward, using the acute sense of limitation and sorrow we feel, to bring us to the place where we “don’t know” and “can’t see” so that we’ll reach for Him and grab hold of Him, after there is no other place to turn.

In the Valley

Lately I’ve been in one of those places where the valley only seems to be getting darker and deeper. The crazy cycle/ negative atmosphere at work is eating away at my soul. I can’t seem to find the work eject button. A job I applied for a few weeks ago, a job that seemed like a shoo-in, panned out into the ether. I am not sure where God is leading me but the crazier I feel, the more I know that I need to be leaning on Him.

Even at the end of my rope, why do I find it so hard to just give up? Why is it so hard for us to just allow God to be our strength? Pride? I’m not sure. I do know that prayer is the answer. That trust in God is the key. I have come to a place where nothing else makes sense, where God has me. I just need to surrender and listen. So hard.