Ladies, I wrote an essay last week entitled “Should Men Put Videogames Away As “Childish Things” For Their Wives/Girlfriends?”. This essay skimmed the surface of a far larger issue, how videogames impact relationships. Now, I want to hand the microphone over to you. If you would, please answer one of the three questions below. I will share your responses, anonymously, in the follow up post to my original essay. Thank you for taking the time to offer your perspective on this issue.
Note: I wrote this back in 2011 and still find it applicable today. I want to encourage you to read through the scripture and not gloss over it/skim. Enjoy!
1 After these events, King Xerxes honored Haman son of Hammedatha, the Agagite, elevating him and giving him a seat of honor higher than that of all the other nobles. 2 All the royal officials at the king’s gate knelt down and paid honor to Haman, for the king had commanded this concerning him. But Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor.
3 Then the royal officials at the king’s gate asked Mordecai, “Why do you disobey the king’s command?” 4 Day after day they spoke to him but he refused to comply. Therefore they told Haman about it to see whether Mordecai’s behavior would be tolerated, for he had told them he was a Jew.
5 When Haman saw that Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor, he was enraged. 6 Yet having learned who Mordecai’s people were, he scorned the idea of killing only Mordecai. Instead Haman looked for a way to destroy all Mordecai’s people, the Jews, throughout the whole kingdom of Xerxes. – Esther 3: 1-6 (NIV)
Notice how distracted Haman is with Mordecai. Instead of focusing on what he had been given, Haman became preoccupied with a single man. This preoccupation with Mordecai and the annihilation of the Jews would eventually lead to Haman’s downfall.
In the age of social media and instant/constant communication, I find it easy to get preoccupied with other peoples lives. I end up wondering why I can’t:
- Buy a new house, car, toy, etc.
- Travel with all expenses paid by parents or relatives
- Eat out five times a week (not that I’d want to)
possession, settlement, or use of land or property.
When we become preoccupied with something not of God (like lust or greed), we are giving up pieces of our very hearts and souls to things that shouldn’t be entrenched in our lives. We end up becoming occupied territory; slaves to our conquerors.
This tale is as old as 1989.
Boy meets girl. Girl dislikes boys hobby. Boy gives up hobby for girl. Girl gives up nothing. Swap the genders; swap the roles. Rinse. Wash. Dry.
I have known countless guys who have given up their favorite hobby due to a spouse or girlfriend disapproving– I am sure that this is true for the female species as well. Once upon a time, these guys enjoyed playing videogames. They used them to drop stress levels, rest, and relax. For some reason though, chemistry, the alignment of the stars, who knows, they end up coupling with someone who disapproves/looks down upon their hobby. So they have to quit, have to walk away from something they love to be in love.
I just don’t get it. If you are in a loving relationship, your spouse or girlfriend should accept you for who you are. They shouldn’t be out to change fundamental parts that make up you. Sure, your bad habit of tossing clothes on the floor may need to be corrected, because let’s face it, your mom always cleaned up after you. Too personal? Sorry.
Videogames are often seen as a less mature hobby than following a team of guys in tight fitting clothing. Huh? How is it that working on cars, following a sports team, or going hunting are somehow more respectable and less “little boy”? A hobby is a hobby. Videogames are no worse than stamp collecting. Except that unlike a stamp collection, video games deal with:
- Complex realities
- Connecting players through interdependent activities
- Challenging players with complex decision making
My wife has been accepting of my hobby from the get go. She encourages me to sit down and play games. She realizes that I often use videogames to de-stress. As long as I am not playing World of Warcraft (the marriage killer), I’m golden. This does not mean that I play games every day of the week. Gaming for me, married, with a kid, looks more like a couple of hours a week. Some nights, my wife even joins me. I’ve always appreciated that about her. She loves me for who I am.
I am tired of those around me feeling guilt, having to change, just to conform to the person they love. If you are in a loving healthy relationship, your significant other will understand the healthy hobbies you chose to pursue.
Note: My friend Scott reminds me that the picture I painted above is painted by an individual who is loving, mature, and self-controlled–most of the time. Videogames, as with any hobby, can be distorted and abused in the hands of an undisciplined individual. In order not to feed into the videogame stigma your wife/girlfriend might view the hobby through, Scott suggests setting some ground rules:
- Be mindful of your wife/girlfriend, even though the game demands attention.
- Always be ready to pause. Pretty much everything is more important than your next in-game checkpoint, so put the controller down if you need to.
- Tell her how long you intend to play – and stick to the plan.
No matter the hobby, communication and respect are foundational to building healthy relationships. I want to encourage you to let go of any videogame guilt you might carry, set some healthy ground rules, and game on.
Have Matt Redman’s “Mercy” stuck in my head:
We will lift up the cup
and the bread we will break,
remembering Your love.
We were fallen from grace,
but You took on our shame
and nailed it to a cross.
as endless as the sea.
I’ll sing Your hallelujah
for all eternity.
Spent time with family this weekend. Played some Putt-Putt, ate some yogurt, and enjoyed a round of Skip-Bo.
Watched the first episode of Daredevil. Solid writing with excellent fight scenes. Seriously some of the most brutal fighting I’ve seen on screen in awhile.
“Every choice is a seed that you sow which you will harvest later. That is a Christian concept. If you’re currently reaping from seeds you wish you had never planted, God gives you a restart. You could respawn your life right now and start sowing new seeds.” – Thomas Henshell, GameChurch Podcast #38: Archmage Rises
Growing up, I lived in a valley that was hedged in by foothills and mountains. The south end of the valley featured a Border Patrol Checkpoint. Set up to combat illegal aliens and drug smuggling, the checkpoint was situated roughly 70 miles north of the Mexican border. Unnecessary? Politics aside, I think so.
Recently, I have been playing through Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen on the Nintendo DS. As the games title insinuates, DQIV is broken into chapters or side stories. The first 5 chapters focus on what turns out to be the support characters. Chapter 6 unites the support characters with the hero of the game, you.
Dragon Quest IV marks my first entry into the Dragon Quest series. While I have enjoyed the 20+ hours I have spent in the game so far, I do have a minor gripe, the unnecessary leveling checkpoints.
20 year old gameplay mechanics aside, Dragon Quest IV commits the sin of the invisible wall. Every few levels, these invisible checkpoints force players to stop and grind (level up) until they are at a sufficient level to proceed in the game. Dungeons, monsters, and bosses are some of the most common level checkpoints found in the game. While I know that this is a common RPG mechanic, I have never been so aware of it. Perhaps this is due to the age of the game? I’m not sure.
Grinding is one of those bite-the-bullet game mechanics. Properly instituted within a game’s design it can be a mechanic that one barely notices. While I am enjoying the time spent with Dragon Quest IV, I can’t help but wish that a more organic type of leveling system be created. However, I do find some sort of twisted comfort in level grinding. The old and the familiar, right? Until next time.
On the side, I work as a Community Manager for Theology Gaming University (TGU). We are an intimate Facebook Group that enjoys healthy debates, Jesus-infused conversations, and videogames that challenge both our skills and thinking.
I recently shared this quote and response with the group:
“Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer
When I think of discipleship, I think of The Great Commission: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20)
Discipleship is something we do as we GO. Discipleship is active and ongoing. For the TGU Community, this means keeping Christ at the forefront of our conversations. That we aren’t simply here to talk about videogames but to challenge each other in faith and life.
How does one challenge/sharpen iron with another online? I think this is far easier than any of us think. I have grown, as a Christian, due to members of our group. I have learned that there is far more nuance, differing cultural perspectives, and grace than I once thought. Our denominational differences have allowed me to see Christ in videogames where I didn’t think He existed (thinking of my friend Josh and Journey).
This is the purpose and unspoken mission statement of Theology Gaming University, personal growth. Whether you are a Christian or a non-Christian, I hope our discussions cause you to pause and think.
I love our community and the respect that we have for one another, despite all coming from different countries, cultures, and backgrounds. If you have not yet joined TGU, I want to personally invite you to come be a part the discussion.